


Counting Seconds Through the Night

by ThePineScentedAir



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, M/M, cw: thoughts of suicide, supportive boyfriend Alec Lightwood, talking through issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-05 06:23:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13382013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThePineScentedAir/pseuds/ThePineScentedAir
Summary: He walks right up to the edge of the bridge and looks down at the water below. It’s still early in the morning, the sun not quite up and the sky not quite bright, and no one notices him. That’s ok. They don’t need to notice him yet. He hasn’t quite decided what he’ll do, but once they notice him everything becomes more real. Right now he just needs a few moments of the in-between.---Or, after being turned into Valentine and then back again, Magnus doesn't feel right. Those memories dredged up by the agony rune still sit with him and he hasn't dealt with any of it, instead choosing to hide from how he feels. It's self-destructive, he knows, and eventually all of those things he's not dealing with drive him to the Brooklyn Bridge. And then Alec is there, pulling him back, taking care of him, and he realizes they have a lot they need to talk about.





	Counting Seconds Through the Night

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So I've been sitting on this story for months now and have finally decided to post it...the events of season two just haven't sat well with me especially since none of these characters are really talking to each other about what's going on. I felt like Magnus and Alec needed to flesh some more things out and so this is what resulted.
> 
> There's a content warning because Magnus does end up on the edge of the Brooklyn Bridge thinking about jumping so please protect yourselves. If this story is going to upset you please don't read. 
> 
> Title is from "I Wanna Get Better" by Bleachers. Un beta'd so any and all mistakes are my own.

He walks right up to the edge of the bridge and looks down at the water below. It’s still early in the morning, the sun not quite up and the sky not quite bright, and no one notices him. That’s ok. They don’t need to notice him yet. He hasn’t quite decided what he’ll do, but once they notice him everything becomes more real. Right now he just needs a few moments of the in-between.

_The walk over to the bridge from his apartment is a tough one. He doesn’t really decide to go there, and yet, with thoughts of his mother’s suicide festering, he finds himself on the bridge. His feet just carry him there, to the place he always went whenever things got bad. The pit in his stomach hasn’t gone away yet and he knows if he just—. He knows if he just pushes himself over the ledge everything will be alright again, eventually, but he has to come to this place to deal with it all. He hasn’t been dealing with anything._

Things haven’t been quite right the past few months, not since he first lost Dot.

_Magnus presses the palm of his hand to his chest and bends over as if in pain. His breath leaves him in a gasp and it feels like he’s been cut open and a part of him has been removed. His connection with Dot has been severed. He understands immediately what it is but doesn’t quite comprehend even as his legs fold under him and his body sinks slowly to the ground._

_Dot’s magic, the pure, glowing yellow thread linking her to him, has been severed. It’s highly likely this means she’s dead (Magnus can’t bear to think about the consequences of the severance if she isn’t) but his brain won’t let him process the feeling._

_Eventually he gets his feet underneath him and pulls himself up. He dusts off his pants and shirt, flicks a stray piece of hair out of his eyes, walks over to the bar, makes a drink. His movements are staccato and mechanical._

“What if she’s really gone?” he asks aloud. The early morning air barely carries his voice past the edge of the bridge, the sounds of traffic starting to pick up cutting over his fears. He runs his finger over the concrete barrier and looks out at the water below. “I couldn’t protect her,” he realizes, eyebrows furrowed with pain.

More memories start to flood in as the weight of his thoughts overcomes him.

_“Raphael!” Magnus cries, rushing over to his son as he limps through the door cradling his left arm. “What happened? Who did this to you?” he demands, helping him to a chair in the living room._

_“The Institute,” Raphael says through gritted teeth, hissing in pain as Magnus starts healing his wounds._

_Rage and helplessness well up inside Magnus accompanied by a sense of responsibility. “I’m sorry, Raphael,” he says eventually. “I couldn’t protect you.”_

“What if I can’t protect anyone?” he cries out at the sky. It’s tinged pink and red as the sun finally starts to rise and the violent colors seem to fit his fears welling up inside him. “I couldn’t even protect my warlocks from Valentine’s initial attack!”

_“Everyone stay with me! Stay behind me!” Magnus calls as he battles the Circle members. He can hear the cries of his people over the sounds of Circle members dying, but he’s still not fast enough. As each of his warlocks dies, he feels the snap of their magic severing._

_Still he battles through the melee, trying his best to ignore the pain so he can keep fighting, can keep trying to save his people. He is the High Warlock of Brooklyn and he will protect his charges at all costs._

He slams his fists down on the concrete barrier and sends a shockwave of blue magic out along the material. Small cracks form beneath his hands.

_“It’s me, Alexander, it’s Magnus,” he pleads desperately as his back collides with the wall. “You have to believe me. A demon switched Valentine’s essence with mine.”_

_“This is all a trick!” Alec shouts in his face._

_“Please, Alexander! Please believe me,” he begs, searching for the one moment that will get Alec to realize the truth. “You told me you loved me for the first time outside of the Institute, after Jace activated the soul sword and you thought I might be dead. And I told you I loved you, too, because I did and I still do. I love you, Alexander, please!”_

_“Just shut up!” Alec screams. Dawning washes over Magnus as he realizes Alec will never understand him._

The expression of disbelief on Alec’s face is the second worst memory of their relationship. He hangs his head as the worst one surfaces.

_“I killed her.” Alec sounds small and still full of disbelief as he stands on the ledge, staring down at his hand. “I ripped out her heart and I killed her. I murdered Clary’s mother, and I will never be able to take that back.”_

_Alec drops his hand and looks over his shoulder at the street below, the city lights illuminating his face. “I killed her. I killed her. I killed her,” Alec mumbles as he looks between Magnus and the street, deaf to Magnus’s pleas to get down, to listen to reason. His head focuses on the street like it’s his only option left in life, and then he intentionally overbalances and tilts over the edge._

Magnus stands on the concrete barrier, looking down at the river. The Brooklyn Bridge is busy now that the sun is mostly up and people are making their long trek to work. He allows his magic to drop and hears the frantic honking of cars behind him as people realize there’s a man poised to jump.

He still hasn’t decided what he’ll do.

Even if he jumps it’s an empty gesture because he knows he won’t die. Self-preservation will kick in and his magic will transport him to safety. Being immortal is tricky like that. Even when he was on the brink before and the memories became too much his immortality saved him.

Still, jumping would accomplish something, potentially. At least then he’d be _doing_ something about this despair instead of just wallowing in it. He hears shouts behind him and the sound of sirens. He can just imagine the phone calls to 911, _“There’s a man on the Brooklyn Bridge. He looks like he’s going to jump. Send help, please!”_ He wants to turn around and yell at the people gathered with their phones out, calling for help and taking videos, but that will just call more attention to him and he still has to decide if he’s jumping or not.

He could just jump and then open a portal on the water’s surface to his apartment. He’d land in the middle of his living room but then at least no one would want to do a psyche evaluation on him at the hospital they’re going to want to drag him to if he doesn’t jump.

Voices start up behind him eventually while he’s wallowing in the debate. “To jump or not to jump,” he mumbles to himself, trading glances up at the sky and down at the water. He’s almost made the decision to step off when he hears the last person he thought would be there.

“ _Magnus!_ ”

\---

Alec’s morning begins at sundown with three large-scale demon attacks in Queens, Central Park, and New Greenwich. He sends out three groups of Shadowhunters to deal with the mess while he figures out the logistics of his Council meeting. He’s still working on getting the heads of the clans to agree to a sit down when the sun starts to rise and a fourth group of demons is spotted in Brooklyn.

Alec grabs his sword and his stele, calls on Izzy, Jace, and Clary, and the four of them head out to deal with the demons. The hunt doesn’t take long but the sky is almost post-sunrise-blue when they finish. “Good work guys,” he says right as Clary’s phone starts ringing. “Who is it?” he asks, seeing the look of confusion on Clary’s face.

“It’s Luke. Hold on, you guys,” Clary tells them. “Luke?” She doesn’t say anything for a moment and then turns her wide eyes on Alec. “We’re in Brooklyn. We’ll be there in two minutes.”

“What’s going on?” Izzy asks.

“It’s Magnus,” Clary begins and Alec’s stomach drops. He can feel the adrenaline pick up in his system again as he instinctively reacts to the tone of her voice. Magnus is in trouble and Alec needs to help him.

“Where?”

“He’s on the Brooklyn Bridge, Alec, but he’s—“ She doesn’t get a chance to finish telling him what’s going on.

Alec takes off running in the direction of the bridge, fear rising in his throat. He can hear the others calling for him and running after him, but he only has the ability to focus on one thing in that moment: Magnus.

He darts around the stopped cars, scanning the crowd for Magnus, and skids to a stop when he sees him on the edge of the bridge. His breath catches in his throat and his heart stalls and he can’t believe his eyes. “ _Magnus!”_ he calls out.

\---

“Alexander?” Magnus asks, brow furrowing.

“Magnus, what are you doing?” Alec sounds pained and afraid. It breaks Magnus’s heart a bit knowing he’s caused this Shadowhunter so much worry.

“I can’t protect anyone, Alec.”

“What do you mean?” Alec steps forward cautiously, arm extended towards him. It reminds him of the night when Alec almost stepped off the ledge at their apartment. Except Alec was under a spell, then, and Magnus knew his magic could bring Alec to safety.

“I couldn’t save my people, or Raphael, or Ragnor.” He closes his eyes as tears gather at the mention of his friend. “I couldn’t save them. I couldn’t save _you_.”

Heart in his throat, Alec steps forward again, still reaching for Magnus. “But you _did_ save me, Magnus. I’m still here, right in front of you. Please come down and talk to me?”

Magnus shakes his head and the movement causes him to momentarily lose his balance. For a second he wonders if his choice has been made for him, but then he finds his footing again and plants his feet firmly on the concrete barrier. “They’re all gone because of me. My mother, Dot, Ragnor, my warlock children.” He closes his eyes and shakes his head.

“Magnus, Dot is alive. You just saw her yesterday…she has all of her magic back and she’s doing fine. You saved Raphael from Camille, you saved me from that warlock’s spell—“

He cuts Alec off, “But I couldn’t save myself from Azazel! You thought I was Valentine. You almost let me die in Valentine’s body because you didn’t believe it was me.” He dashes away angry tears and stares at Alec through the water in his eyes. “How could you not know it was me, Alexander?” he asks brokenly.

Alec’s heart breaks at the pain in Magnus’s voice. It breaks because he _didn’t_ believe it was Magnus, or _couldn’t_ believe it was him. “I’m sorry. I should have known it was you, I—I should have believed you. I _wanted to_ but I didn’t know if Valentine was trying to play another trick on us and I—I didn’t let myself believe it was you.” He watches Magnus turn around and face the water again.

“I know there’s nothing I can ever do to make it up to you, Magnus, but I love you,” he says quickly. “I love you with every fiber of my being and more than I ever thought possible to love another person. And if you step off that ledge I know a piece of me will go with you and I know that I can’t live without that piece of me. I can’t live without you.”

Magnus turns back and sees tears falling down Alec’s cheeks. “Alexander…”

“You are my best friend, Magnus. I love you. Will you please come down here and talk to me? I—I had no idea things were this bad. Just please… _please_ come down here and talk to me.”

It’s the pure panic in Alec’s tone that finally breaks through to him as he realizes Alec doesn’t know what he knows. Alec doesn’t know that if he jumps he’ll still survive, that he’s more resilient, that warlocks are a lot harder to kill.

Magnus’s stony resolve fractures and the pain rushes in all at once. Tears start to fall but he hardly registers them beside the pain of loss that’s threatening to tear him apart inside. “Alexander,” he whispers through the tears, and then suddenly the love of his life is there, taking his hand, pulling him off the ledge and into his warm, strong arms and holding him tightly.

“It’s ok. I’ve got you. I’ve got you, Magnus, and I’m never letting you go,” Alec whispers into his ear. He waits for Magnus to wrap his arms around his neck before picking him up. He cradles him tightly to his chest and turns toward Luke and the rest of their friends. “I’m going to take Magnus home. Izzy, can you finish up the report from tonight? Jace, Clary, I’ll see the two of you tomorrow.” He nods at Luke. “Thanks for the call, Luke.”

“Of course. I knew if anyone could save the day, it would be you, Alec.” He smiles at them. “Go take care of Magnus. I’ll handle the situation here.”

Alec nods and then walks away with Magnus in his arms. Magnus doesn’t talk as he’s carried through the streets of New York but Alec does, whispering again and again into his ear that he’s loved, that he’s ok, that Alec has him. Alec’s thankful for the recently activated stamina runes; thankful he has enough energy to take care of Magnus.

When they get home, Alec carries Magnus into bed, takes their shoes off, and crawls in next to him. With his head against the pillows, Alec opens his arms wide and without hesitating Magnus rolls over and curls up against him. Alec cards his fingers through his hair. “Talk to me?” he pleads.

Magnus’s shoulders sag and he buries his face in Alec’s chest more. “I just felt hopeless, Alexander,” he says, voice small and defeated.

“But why, Magnus? Why didn’t you come to me first?” He does his best not to sound hurt or upset, keeping his tone low and inquisitive instead of angry, but the more Magnus breaks down in front of him the harder it is to keep his own emotions at bay and stay strong.

“I’ve been having a hard time recently,” he begins, “stemming from the Valentine crisis in general and the Azazel crisis more recently.”

Alec’s body tenses at the mention of the Prince of Hell. Instead of responding, Alec continues to stroke his hand gently through Magnus’s hair and wait. After gathering his strength to push through all of the pain and sadness, Magnus finally opens up.

“I didn’t realize how dependent I’d become on you. The day Azazel switched my soul with Valentine’s I was so _sure_ you would know it was me. When you didn’t believe me I—“ his voice cracks and he swallows hard before continuing. “When you didn’t believe me I think it broke me, at least a little bit. I’ve become so sure that you’re on my side and so dependent upon your love to help me through all of the terrible things in my past that I just didn’t know what to do.”

He shakes his head. “The agony rune dredged up some memories I’ve been fighting with for centuries, trying to move past. My mother—“ he breaks off again and wipes his thumb under his eyes, sure he’s leaking mascara and eyeliner in black tracks down his cheeks. “My mother killed herself when she found out what I was. I was nine years old when she did it right in front of me.”

Alec pulls Magnus closer and holds on tighter. He had a vague sense of Magnus’s past, but never this full of an understanding. “I just kept thinking about that moment this morning and I guess I just found myself on the bridge. And then, standing there, it just reminded me of everything else that’s happened. The moment I lost the connection to Dot’s magic, seeing Raphael walk through my doors all bloody and abused because of Camille, my children slaughtered by Valentine’s men, Ragnor dying at the hands of a demon…all of it just came rushing back to me full force.

“And then my mind tried to grasp onto memories of you and all that I could come up with was the look of disbelief in your eyes and the moment you were standing on the ledge looking so distraught that you thought death was the only answer—“ He breaks off as more tears start to fall. “I know it was just the spell,” he says through broken sobs. “But I felt so helpless then and all of the other times and I guess I just didn’t know what to do about the feeling.”

Magnus buries his face in Alec’s chest and cries as his strong arms hold him. The sound breaks something inside of Alec and silent tears start to fall as he stares up at the ceiling. The weight of what he’s done starts to sink in, and he realizes they should have talked about all of this a long time ago.

“I’m sorry, Magnus,” he says after a period of silence that seems to stretch on forever. Magnus raises his head to look at him. “I’m so sorry. I—I never meant to hurt you.” He cradles Magnus’s cheek in his hand. “I made a promise to myself to never let you down, and I’m so sorry I couldn’t keep it. I wasn’t there for you when you needed me, and I’m sorry things got so terrible that you didn’t feel like you could talk to me.” He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “We should have been talking about this ever since the night I was possessed.”

“Probably,” Magnus agrees with a watery smile. “But somehow not dealing with everything is easier than facing it?”

“Who would have guessed?” Alec asks sarcastically. They both smile at each other and Alec reaches out to brush mascara tracks off Magnus’s cheek. “How do we fix this?”

Magnus tilts his head into Alec’s touch. “I don’t know if we can. Maybe all we can do is keep talking.”

“Remember when you told me that everyone in the world is not my responsibility?” He waits for Magnus to nod. “What did I tell you?”

“You looked at me and said ‘you are.’”

Alec nods. “And I meant it. I picked you, Magnus. I chose you above my family and my duty as a Shadowhunter and I put you before the future I’d always envisioned for myself.” He pauses. “Now, whenever I think of my future, you’re always in it.”

“Alexander—“

“Hold on, I’m not done. You’re always there, in my plans for the future, and that’s why I need you to talk to me, ok? We have to keep talking and make sure that neither one of us ever gets to this point again. Can you promise me?”

Magnus’s eyes dart between Alec’s. He sees the fierce determination in them and more memories start to surface. Alec telling Magnus he loves him for the first time, with a look of fear and relief across his face; Alec giving him the token he now carries in his pocket wherever he goes; Alec deciding, even after the most awkward date in history, that he wants to be with Magnus no matter how much effort it takes.

And then the best memory, the one of their first time, when he lost control and was so worried Alec wouldn’t want him anymore. And when Alec put all of those fears to bed.

_Magnus loses himself in their kiss. Alec’s hands are everywhere, pulling at his shirt and grazing against his skin. His lips are firm and sure against his but also pliant and responsive to Magnus’s kiss. His senses are filled with Alec and he feels his control slipping. Before he can catch it he feels his eyes change and he pulls back. He doesn’t want Alec to see him lose control. He doesn’t want anything to remind Alec he’s sleeping with a warlock._

_“Did I do something wrong?”_

_Alec sounds so unsure behind him. “No, you’re perfect. I just lost control.”_

_And then Alec’s hands on his face, turning his head, looking into his eyes with awe. “They’re beautiful, Magnus.” Alec’s face softening and an easy smile on his lips. “You’re beautiful.”_

Magnus realizes he must have been taking too long to answer because looks at him with a worried expression. He smiles. “I promise.”

Alec nods. “Good. I promise you, too. Now come here.” He urges Magnus forward and he goes willingly. Their kiss is soft and tender, full of love and pain and reassurance.

Magnus breaks the kiss and turns on his side and Alec follows him. They’re pressed together from head to toe, Magnus’s back to Alec’s chest, and their hands are intertwined on Magnus’s stomach. “I love you, Magnus Bane,” Alec whispers into his ear.

“I love you, Alexander Lightwood,” Magnus replies.

By the time they fall asleep, both wear a contented smile on their lips.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.


End file.
